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General => Forum Games => Topic started by: Boingo the Clown on March 25, 2019, 11:53:06 PM

Title: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on March 25, 2019, 11:53:06 PM
About a year before New DooM shut down, I created a thread called "The Groaner Thread" for users to write down their own original jokes and funny stories.

In honour of that thread, I am going to start a new thread to do more of the same.

There are only two rules (aside from the usual rules of this forum):

1.) Each joke must be an original joke  by you--NOT a joke you heard on TV or heard from one of your friends.  It must be one of your own.

2.) It must be a groaner.

Okay?

Are you ready?

Here goes!




Knock yourselves out!
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: ChelonianEgghead on April 10, 2019, 08:57:51 PM
What do you call someone who does massages for a living? A massage-ynist.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on June 03, 2019, 03:57:28 PM
Q.  What is the best US state to greet a Japanese person in?

A.  Ohio.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on June 07, 2019, 10:02:47 AM
Q.) What do you call a wig made for a Chinese dog?

A.) A sharpei toupé.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on June 23, 2019, 11:58:52 PM
After several days of internet communication, I finally scored a date with a girl named "Anne Udda".

I got on the bus on the appointed day, and headed across town to meet her.  I was very nervous.  When I reached the stop, I was horrified to discover that my nervous sweat had caused the ink on the directions to smear.  The address I was supposed to meet Anne at was almost completely illegible.

I squinted and looked as carefully as I could at the address.  "253" perhaps?

I drew a deep breath, plucked up my courage, and strode boldy up on to the porch of the house marked "253".

A large middle-aged man confronted me.

"What are you doing here?" he growled.

"I'm looking for a girl." I said.

"There ain't no girl here." said the man.  "You've come to the wrong place.  Now get out!"

"But I'm certain this is her address." I said.  "We have a date."

"I SAID 'GET OUT'!" Hollered the man angrily.

He then punched me squarely in the face.  The blow was like a freight train.  It hit me so hard it knocked me off my heels. I fell backwards off the porch , and landed hard, sprawling on the walkway.

The man looked down at me and shouted, "AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ANNE UDDA!"

Hearing this, I leapt back up to my feet.

"Yes! Yes!" I said excitedly.  "I'm looking for Anne Udda!  I'm looking for Anne Udda!"

He hit me again.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on July 14, 2019, 05:14:31 PM
Q.

Why does the Titanic shiver?


A.

It's a nervous wreck.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: ChelonianEgghead on July 24, 2019, 12:45:14 AM
Q). What did Aunt Beru tell Luke whenever he ate with his knife?

A). Use the fork, Luke!

Although I doubt I'm the first go come up with that.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on August 23, 2019, 12:23:44 AM
I managed to make a weapon out of old computer parts.

I made a USBB gun.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on October 06, 2019, 04:52:07 PM
Q.

 What do you call presidential assistants who are not allowed in the club anymore?


A.

 Banned aides.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on December 24, 2019, 10:40:28 PM
Watson: What kind of rock is this Holmes?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Watson: Holmes. How did you know the device was hidden in that man's digestive system?
Holmes: It was Alimentary, my dear Watson.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on January 11, 2020, 10:46:37 PM
Did I ever tell you about the time I hooked up a trailer to my car with only a chain?

Well, the chain broke and the trailer flipped over on the highway.

You could say it all went off without a hitch.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on January 14, 2020, 08:19:40 PM
"Blah. Blah. Blah."
                 -- Bob Loblaw
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on March 14, 2020, 04:01:56 PM
With the spread of the Coronavirus in recent months, the beer industry is trying to keep up.

This week, Budweiser anounced it is developing  a Budweiservirus and a Bud Lite virus, and expects to release them some time around late August.

Molson and Coors are also rumoured to be developing their own viruses.

Bill Newlands, CEO behind Corona says he is not worried about the new competition, and the company plans on creating new viruses for their other brands.  When asked for further coment, he responded, "Bring it on!".
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on March 21, 2020, 11:26:12 PM
There's great news from Marvel Comics.  There's a new superhero in town.

He is 15 years old, and he has the power to make people sick.

They call him "Quaran-Teen".
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on April 04, 2020, 12:14:11 PM
I am really bored.

I am chairman of the bored.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on November 19, 2020, 11:24:53 PM
Q.

 If a hipster wears a man bun, what does German royalty wear?


A.

 A Kaiser roll.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Super Searcher on January 18, 2021, 10:56:57 PM
What's this? I come back from the void to find a new thread devoted to horrible puns? I must have sensed it..

Anyway, here's a joke dump I've accumulated over the eras:

I was walking through a parking lot, when i saw a plastic bottle cap with two little plastic
hands on it. And I thought to myself, "does that count as a handy-cap spot?"

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Did you hear that some Arab Countries have outlawed the tally scoring system?

They're calling it the tally-ban.
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Did you hear Nicolas Cage almost fought his Father in a wrestling match in the 90's? It was supposed to be the world's first Cage match.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the commercial truck driver who makes chocolate candy with his partner on the road between stops?

Know what they call their candies? "Semi Sweet Chocolates."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does a used car salesman get his exercise?

A: With car deal.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do trucks practice when they put on a play?

A: Pickup lines.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you know what a self-checkout is?

A: It's when you stand in front of a mirror and say "hey, I look good!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know in Star Trek, Spock once witnessed an unusual rock that rolled UP a mountain against gravity? After which he said to Captain Kirk who also saw what happened: "Captain, that was not very geo-logical."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a friar made out of doritos?
A: A chip-monk
------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call two doctors?
A: A para-docs.
------------------------------------------------------------------

The first Native American game show was called: "You Don't Know Squanto."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

How to give a good back massage is a touchy subject.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the FBI arresting that carpenter who's accused of print money? They say they caught him counter-fitting.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Who represents the bike shop?

A: The spokesman.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of monk initiates went on a camping trip.

At night they huddled around the camp friar.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What type of suit gets you the most hugs and kisses?

A: An XO Suit

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much do 206 bones weigh? A skele-ton

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If you learn sculpting, you could make 6 figures easily.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I knew a guy who used to sit in the Hobby Lobby waiting area just for fun and recreation.

He called it his Hobby-Lobby-Lobby-Hobby.

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I prefer butter over that other stuff. Because with that other stuff there’s always a margarine for error.

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Q: How is this joke similar to catching a frisbee that was thrown around the world?

A: You'll get it eventually.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week in science: Some guys have created a plant that can generate electricity. It's called a power plant.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When buying spices, especially thyme. Always choose the third one you see, it's supposed to bring good luck.

You know, the third thyme's a charm.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before noon I always feel sad, almost like I'm in morning.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear the mafia have a new leader who's a lizard?

He's their new Iguana-Don

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was reading a recent study done on different ant species, scientists have discovered that smaller ant species' grow toes, while larger and taller ants do not. Scientists theorized this may also tie in with larger ant's being allergic to milk. Seeing as they lack toes in taller ants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is all, *moon walks out the door*
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on January 19, 2021, 12:47:12 PM
Just a reminder that all the jokes have to be ones you made up yourself.
Title: Re: The Groaner Thread, New Edition
Post by: Boingo the Clown on February 15, 2021, 09:34:31 PM
Q. Do you know where Des Moines is?

A. Yes.  It's where you dig up des ore to put in des smelter.