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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Loremaster on February 01, 2008, 05:37:28 AM

Title: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 01, 2008, 05:37:28 AM
I'd like to post an early draft of a short story I wrote tonight. It's about 5 pages long in word with a standard font. It's based on Evangelion and is inspired by "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel. It's somewhat rough, and will be auto-censored for a few words. I hope you enjoy it.

Legal Notice: I do not own Evangelion, nor do I own "The Sound of Silence". Those rights rest with Gainax and Simon and Garfunkel respectively.

Note: If you have not watched Evangelion, you can still enjoy this story. You will not understand some of the symbolism in it [indeed, some of it you have to be a pretty big fan to understand], but it is not required.

Author's Recommendation: Listen to the song whilst you read it. I listened to http://youtube.com/watch?v=eZGWQauQOAQ&feature=related (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eZGWQauQOAQ&feature=related) version whilst writing it, and I think it will fit it best.


The Sound of Silence
Loremaster

This song is about the inability of people to communicate with each other. And not particularly internationally, but especially emotionally. So that, what you see around you is people who are unable to love each other. This is called the Sound of Silence.
         -Art Garfunkel

   Darkness. Silence. It was comforting. It was familiar. It was safe. It was like an old friend. It aided and allowed one to think, to ponder, to cogitate. It insulated one from the madness of the world, and the pain of being human.

   Shinji Ikari desperately needed all of this.

   He lay upon his cot, curled up. His eyes were open and staring blankly at some vision in his mind, tears visibly welling in them. His hand cradled his precious S-DAT player, which poured the music of Track 26 gently into his ears. He lay perfectly still.

   Asuka, he thought. Why? Why can
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 01, 2008, 11:28:35 AM
That's awesome!
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Manny Cav on February 01, 2008, 11:30:25 AM
I got lost somewhere in there trying to remember the names. It almost seemed like some of the characters changed names. Who's the cast? I also looked it over, and it didn't look like any auto-censoring was performed or necessary. Odd....
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 01, 2008, 12:45:18 PM
I got lost somewhere in there trying to remember the names. It almost seemed like some of the characters changed names. Who's the cast? I also looked it over, and it didn't look like any auto-censoring was performed or necessary. Odd....

Hm... odd. Usually my stories contain profanity. Guess it wasn't needed [I don't really remember much of the writing process. All I remember is that I NEEDED to write it, to finish it]

Shinji is the boy, and Asuka is the girl. I changed focus from one character to the other partway, which might have thrown you.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: ☼Foley☼ teh AWESOME! on February 01, 2008, 01:23:27 PM
never was a big fan of the show- good song though

nice work- the whole use of shinji listening to music was amazing
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Manny Cav on February 01, 2008, 01:36:57 PM
I got lost somewhere in there trying to remember the names. It almost seemed like some of the characters changed names. Who's the cast? I also looked it over, and it didn't look like any auto-censoring was performed or necessary. Odd....

Hm... odd. Usually my stories contain profanity. Guess it wasn't needed [I don't really remember much of the writing process. All I remember is that I NEEDED to write it, to finish it]

Shinji is the boy, and Asuka is the girl. I changed focus from one character to the other partway, which might have thrown you.
Then who is Touji or Hikari? I get lost fairly easily in this type of fan fiction, especially this particular type of Japanese-style writing. Also, is this based off of a show? Where could I learn more of this?

As for the profanity, I think I know what the deal is on that. You did use some, but it passed in the word filter ("d*****," etc.). However, you posted the story, and you're an admin, so I'll leave it up to you whether or not you want to censor it.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 01, 2008, 09:05:49 PM
Ugh, I'll have to take that out. Just cos I'm an Admin, don't give me license to break the rules [only Richie truly has that right.

Um, the show it's "based on" [and I use that term VERY loosly] is "Neon Genesis: Evangelion". The first half of the show feels like a regular old Giant Robot show with some underlying currents of intrigue, but once it hits around episode 13, it COMPLETELY shifts gears and become almost exclusively about the characters.

Wikipedia's page is fairly accurate, just ignore the interpretation section [The creator has stated that he wanted people to be able to take their own meaning from the show, and reading these could spoil it for you]. It's been released in a box set that's fairly priced, collecting the ENTIRE show with director's cut of the later episodes. I really recommend renting it and watching it. It's definitely for more mature viewers though, but I think you can handle it [though I DO NOT recommend you watch the movies. The first one is junk, and the second is... well... it threw ME for a loop. Also, I didn't like how it FORCED a conclusion, whereas the series allowed you to draw your own conclusion.]

I'm not much of an ANIMU guy [matter o' fact, I dislike most of it], but Evangelion is my absolute favourite Anime, quite possibly my favourite cartoon. It's depth is.... well.... I've never seen it's like before or since in a cartoon.

And the final point... Hikari and Touji are two characters from the show. Essentially classmates. Asuka is friends with Hikari, and Shinji is friends with Touji. HIkari has a crush on Touji, but Touji is not the most observant guy in the world so he never notices.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: brain candy on February 01, 2008, 09:16:30 PM
Loremaster, that was beautiful..... I wish I was more familiar with the characters (I've never read or seen anything Evangelion related), but I'm pretty in love with Shinji Ikari based on how you portray him. I'd love to see where this all goes. I grew up on Simon and Garfunkel... I love how "The Sound of Silence" is injected throughout the story.

I really feel like posting a short story myself, now.

Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 01, 2008, 10:01:30 PM
If you post it I'd love to read it.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 01, 2008, 11:39:45 PM
I second that.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Atariangamer on February 02, 2008, 01:49:24 AM
Wow...I got on late for this one. Sweet, sweet words. I nominate as a runner in the Battle of the Boards writing thing. I got some of the "sound of silence" points:

Turned my collar to the cold and damp
Blinded by the flash of a neon light, it split the night...
PLUS all the mentions of the title.

I LOVED IT! Man, I gotta show this to a good bibliophile.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 02, 2008, 03:16:27 AM
It's not quite Completed. There's still SOMETHING I'm missing, SOMETHING I just can't put my finger on.

Also, don't forget about the fact that Shinji got the idea for the Bento from a dream, and that it persisted. The fact that he was in the dark at the beginning, which he considered friendly, the graffiti under the sign and in the subway.

But can anyone see what I'm missing?
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 02, 2008, 11:13:06 AM
Wow...I got on late for this one. Sweet, sweet words. I nominate as a runner in the Battle of the Boards writing thing. I got some of the "sound of silence" points:

Turned my collar to the cold and damp
Blinded by the flash of a neon light, it split the night...
PLUS all the mentions of the title.

I LOVED IT! Man, I gotta show this to a good bibliophile.

Um... *raises hand*
I'm a good bibliophile! AND A GRAMMAR NAZI!
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Atariangamer on February 02, 2008, 01:20:13 PM
I know you slimenator. Whadya think? And I was kinda meaning here in my town.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 02, 2008, 02:02:07 PM
Hold on... *all screeches to a halt*

NOBODY knows about this account in the "real world"! That is not possible!
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Atariangamer on February 02, 2008, 06:45:42 PM
??? No, I meant that I know that you, Slimenator, are a bibliophile (happy place topic). And, I want to find, in my home town, a bibliophile that would wanna read this. Not unless you really live within 2 miles of Moncks Corner, SC.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 02, 2008, 11:13:17 PM
OK. I got scared there for a second. :D

And I don't.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Atariangamer on February 03, 2008, 12:01:08 AM
GOOD! Now I'm the only active chex quester in South Carolina! (Poor pikazec, if he was here, he'd be #2...)
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 03, 2008, 12:09:35 AM
He DOES have an account here, he just hasn't used it yet.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Atariangamer on February 03, 2008, 12:53:09 AM
PIKAZEC!!! Please post something. Tell me what YOU think of the story...
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 03, 2008, 02:58:10 AM
*sigh* I REALLY wish I could animate. I wish you all could see the images I have in my head when I read what I wrote. But I've not much talent for drawing so...

I think I know what's wrong. I'm going to fix it.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Atariangamer on February 03, 2008, 10:16:55 AM
Hey, go to work on it man.

Even If your drawings are junk, draw them. Or write down their descriptions. Then maybe strife could fix them up. I see some pictures in my head when I read that, too. It'd be cool to see what you were seeing.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 04, 2008, 01:35:32 AM
I found what's wrong with it! In the scene where Shinji tries to give Asuka the Bento, and she screams at him to be a man, that's the problem. That sentence just doesn't..... flow quite right. I'm fixing it, and then I'll get it up on my old FanFiction.net account.

Then I'm going to go back, rewatch all of Evangelion, and rewrite my epic. It's been four years since I wrote for it, and I REALLY want to finish it.

EDIT>> UPDATE ON EPIC: I've almost finished the new Prologue, and hope to get it posted sometime this weekend. It's vastly superior to it's prior incarnation.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 07, 2008, 05:53:24 PM
Lol, bump.

But with a purpose!

I've finished(?) at least part of the Prologue for my rewrite of an old fic I never finished, and always wanted to. I'm not bothering to censor anything out, so some stuff might not get caught by the filters. Shouldn't be anything horrible though, as I don't think I wrote anything horrid into it. Anyway, let me know if you see any errors or have any suggestions for fixes.

Neon Genesis: BattleTech
Book 1
Specters of the Past, Visions of the Future
By Loremaster

Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 07, 2008, 05:55:05 PM
Prologue
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 07, 2008, 05:55:19 PM

   Michael awoke with a start, the final scream still echoing in his mind. He blinked, wiped the sweat from his face and hair, and looked around. Good. It
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Allen Walker on February 07, 2008, 06:32:24 PM
Perhaps you can do what our sister is looking into...Self-publishing.  You have my seal of aproval! ;D
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 07, 2008, 06:36:13 PM
Can't when it's involving Intellectual Property that ain't yours. Much as I wish I owned Battletech and Eva, I don't. No, this is destined for Fanfiction.net, and a few other places I know of.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: The Slimeinator on February 07, 2008, 09:21:32 PM
Your skill level increases by one for the cool story, Loremaster!
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: brain candy on February 07, 2008, 10:53:46 PM
I really really enjoyed reading your new posts, Lore! I've found myself pretty addicted to the characters... I really want to check out all the things you're pulling from for your stories. I've found myself wanting to get to know the characters... the way you present them make me want to know everything about them.

And on another note, again, you've got me really wanting to post some of my own short stories. I'm not sure where to post them (create own thread?), or even if I should.

I'm certainly addicted to your stuff though.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 08, 2008, 12:56:17 AM
Well, the characters in this section are all my creation [with exception to some figures mentioned]

Feth yes, check it out! Battletech is a terrific game, and I guarantee you'll LOVE Evangelion.

I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to put it up on my Fanfiction.net account this weekend. My old version [unfinished] is still up there, along with a couple other stories. They're not very good [that was a long time ago that I wrote them last], but it might be fun for y'all to see where I once was at.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: brain candy on February 08, 2008, 02:26:56 AM
Well, the characters in this section are all my creation [with exception to some figures mentioned]
Even better! I wasn't too sure since you were talking about Fanfic and such, whether or not the characters were based on something spun off from the game- I really don't know anything about Battletech.

You'll definitely have to link me your Fanfic account.
Title: Re: Short story.
Post by: Loremaster on February 08, 2008, 06:13:16 AM
Heh, yeah.

The list of characters that AREN'T mine that have been mentioned so far are...

Marshall Morgan Hasek-Davion
General Ariana Winston
Galaxy Commander Brandon Corbitt
Lanceleader Captain Connor Sinclair
I don't know if I mentioned him, but Kahn Franklin Osis is another one of not mines

Essentially what I like doing is playing in other people's universes. I write ALOT of Warhammer 40,000 stuff, because it's nice to just play with characters without needing to create a whole universe every time. Same with Battletech [though this is VERY altered. Normally you don't put a several million C-Bill BattleMech in the hands of a 14 year old, except for nobles beginning training!]

My account... lemmesee....

http://www.fanfiction.net/~loremaster333 (http://www.fanfiction.net/~loremaster333)

Nothing here has been updated since 2004, and some of it is rather bad writing [especially Shackles of Time. UGH!]. I leave it up for posterity, and so others can see how far I've come I suppose. Neon Genesis: Battletech as it stands on there right now is..... well, not nearly as well written, and I'm trying to decide if I should insert the characters earlier in the series [like before Asuka shows up], so that we can all have merry fun with Angels, Evangelions, Battlemechs, and every character having a total nervous breakdown [WHEE!].

Part of the reason I haven't posted this yet is that I'm trying to decide if I should write a little bit of EVA into it or not.